Have you ever been told by someone you needed to loose weight, or that you didn't?

Well here's a pet peeve of mine.

I need to loose weight and then hopefully gain some of it back in some healthy muscle. Or convert it to. Now when I tell people this they nod their heads in understanding, having seen my total physique. I'm small and have gained some weight over the years due to medication. So the battle is on to slim down and tone up.

Here's the downside. When I tell them how much I weigh they freak out on me and tell me I don't need to loose weight. I was a 135lbs at one point which was BRUTAL. At this moment I am at 115. My original weight for my height (4'9") and physique: 92-95lbs.

Most people say "WOAH!!! That is too low!" So it gets me pretty angry because they don't seem to understand the concept that I am SMALL. I'm a short person with a size 4 foot (in the kids section) and have a small bone structure. My hands don't even fit into extra small sized surgical gloves at the finger tips. At 92lbs I was always given a clean bill of health ('cept for iron deficiencies and allergies). I had a little bit of curvaceous hips and a good amount of body fat on me. I wasn't stick thin like Kate moss, but I was pretty healthy and didn't think too much about my 19 inch waist. To scale, and sized down, it was akin to being 5'8" and 120 lbs. HEALTHY.

Now it annoys me when people tell me I need to gain weight or I shouldn't WANT to look gaunt.

I do admit I have body dismorphia, so I tend to see things differently from everyone, but I'm an artist and proportion is key for me when I critique. So I knew what was acceptable and what isn't for my body. At this weight of 115lbs I feel lethargic and tired, i can't walk up more than 2 flights of stairs without breaking a sweat. I am having trouble swinging upside down with enough back strength on the dance pole. Cholesterol problems have now ensued as well as having an abnormal body fat content for my height and age. I get more tired doing physical activity too. My puppy is wearing me out when we play.

My message today in this part is I DON'T NEED TO GAIN ANY WEIGHT AND I AM OVERWEIGHT FOR MY SIZE!! I NEED TO LOOSE!

Don't tell me otherwise when I have documents from my doctors to show what a healthy person should look and act like. Just because I weigh the ideal weight of the average woman doesn't mean I AM average in structure. Seriously I have rolls. ROLLS!! Front and back. It's pretty gross, and I'm working mad on the cardio and toning to squeeze it out of my back and thighs. ARRRGGG! Power workouts!! Also healthier eating. I think my husband was a little disappointed that out of a whole bag of carrots he was only able to eat 3 and I mowed down the whole bag like I was Garfield on Lasagna.

2nd story. When my husband was training for entrance into law enforcement he had huge ass guns. I mean he was weight lifting and body building a lot, and on top of that was doing martial arts like mad. So he goes into the exam room for his physical, and these dipshits (who don't have any nutritional training whatsoever) tell him they are going to fail him on that one portion because he is like 50lbs overweight for his Body Mass Index, for his age and height. I believe he was over 200lbs at the time and had a 5% body fat. He was at peak health.

The reaction between him and his other mates at the testing. "WHAT?: Are you kidding me?"

They literally told him he was overweight and for him to pass the next round of tests in a month he was going to be required to loose some of his weight. Nevermind the weight was all in muscle.

So today's lesson is:

If you know what your optimal weight is, by way of doctors and nutritionists, if you know what it feels like to be healthy in your own skin, but have faltered and are trying to get back to it. Do it! Don't listen to anyone else tell you otherwise! (Unless they are telling you to binge or not eat). Anorexia is not funny. I suffered some of it due to stress and anxiety (refusing to eat) when I was 8. Not fun at all. Also stick to your guns if you know what is right for your body! Don't let someone else's standard of beauty be your guide to looking perfect and being at your best in your own health. Set your own standard of beauty! If you think that healthy is looking like a runway model and you feel it is right for you, go for it, if you believe you can be at optimal health looking like Marylin Monroe or the vintage pinup girls. By all means get yourself to that goal, provided you are HEALTHY. Big can be beautiful, but gastric reflux, excessive skin tags, and heart problems are NOT! Awesome if you have enough thought to try thinspiration and get yourself to looking like Twiggy back in the day. Turn off is when you start to look like Christian Bale in The Machinist.

Be careful, be healthy, make your OWN standards of how you want to look.

And for the curious, what kind of body do I want to have? I want my old body back... a few years ago:

I'm 20 lbs/6" waist away from getting back to my old weight. Just to show the comparison of how I gain weight unlike a taller/normal person...

Back then: 92lbs weight, 19 inches waist

Now: 115lbs weight, 25 inches waist

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"Hi I'm Æther and I am suffering from anxiety/panic disorder/extreme agoraphobia/body dismorphia". Could you believe I had to introduce myself like that at a hospital group? Embarrassing enough being in front of people I didn't know but having to come to terms with the fact that I can't go outside on my own or else I have mental breakdowns within 30 seconds of reaching the nearest lamp post and making an announcement about it all was terrible.

I literally never went out on my own in the outside world for 2 YEARS!! I was eventually admitted into a "day hospital" program for which I only attended one week, because I relapsed during the program and retreated into my cave. (Which was part of the fears my doctors had to begin with because I have agoraphobia.)

 

After repeating that introduction so many times and seeing on the internet and on tv "Do you suffer from ____?" Which always resulted in my telling an inanimate object: "Yes I suffer from that... thanks for reminding me... /sob". I realized I didn't want to suffer anymore. I didn't want to feel like I'm suffering. I wanted to feel like I am recovering. I AM RE-FU*KING-COVERING!! So for the last little while I've been telling myself and others "I'm Æther and I am recovering from mental disorders/disabilities."

 

Realistically, I can't say that I will indeed recover. Or maybe I will, but it will just take the right set of medical cocktails in pill form to balance myself out properly. Even then I could always relapse or grow immune to whatever is leveling my serotonin and epinephrine.

In my mind at this point ,and out of natural disdain for repetitive life (I'm fickle... I know that already. >.>), I want to change and I want to be well.

So what steps have I taken to recover:

1. I slowly (for the last 2 years since that Day Hospital program) have been increasing the process in which I am alone in public places. My husband and I would go out for groceries and he would leave me to go to the next isle over to grab something and come back. It was hard at first, especially when someone would see me alone and ask if I needed help. I would stare at the floor and say no and run to my husband, then we would have to go home because someone talked to me and I would start crying. Eventually, little by little we extended the distance and the time in which I could be alone in a public place.

2. My husband has work and he was my "safe person" so I needed to try and transfer that ownership to someone other than him. Or simply add another "safe person" into my life. I had talked to my doctor before that pets are great companions in recovering. We have cats, and there was no way they were going to be able to accompany me outside. After much thought and having a dream about it. (Literally a sleep dream.) I have my little boy, Mercury. He just celebrated his 6 month birthday yesterday. It didn't take long for me to be able to get attached to him. So I am now able to go out on my own with him for several hours at a time.

I'm not saying I don't still have trouble. There's a lot I still can't do. I can't visit people's homes on my own yet. Nor can I go to meetings alone. I have to be dropped off by my husband and he has to stay with me for a bit. My psychiatrist's office is the only place I can go to because I feel safe in the room with her. I swear she is 100% wonderful. I have met a lot of psychiatrists and some of them totally shouldn't be in that profession, or they are just not the kind of support that I can be matched up with. (Personality and needs clashing.) I still can't call on the phone most of the time, because it scares me. I have trouble talking to people still. Sometimes its too little or too much and I seem like a total freak. Either way I am recovering. I can see progress just because I got tired/desperate/frustrated with being "crazy" and "damaged".

So to anyone else who is suffering, physical/mental. There is hope.

Batz/Baz (husband) and I have known people in comas come out of it. Known those who were not supposed to walk or live, actually do so. Those who were learning disabled become great people. Although I am "mentorless" we know they are there and they do exist. We both keep looking forward and telling ourselves "I'm going to catch up to them soon". With time and effort. We will.


Side note:
I do have agoraphobia, body dismorphia, depression, anxiety, panic attacks, and mild social disorder. Baz has post traumatic stress disorder, depression, and only 85% movement in his left wrist due to a work injury. (He was told he may not be able to have any feeling or mobility in it, but after surgeries and being a test subject for some device, he can.) I am on medication and talk therapy, but he is not. We both don't have much of a support system for our disorders specifically (even most family members do not understand or are not sympathetic of our conditions), but we do have some family and friends that support us none the less and remember us. Even though most of them are over the internet, we value their care and concern. A shout out to everyone who is persistant in keepingin touch, inviting us to things (even when we can't show up), and making us feel like we are still human.

I am all about the over the top and wild accessories! My cell phone, which I love for its look, is the Samsung Cleo in Pink. 

It attracted me last year because it looked just like a compact and fit into my hand nicely. The actual inner workings of it isn't crazy awesome, but I loved the look.

  I am fickle with a few things and tend to get bored with plain looking things, even if it is classic simple. This is probably why I can never find the perfect "little black dress", but I wills ave that for the next blog.

Anyway I opted to do the "cheap way" and instead of spending tons of money on Swarovski crystals, I went to the Dollar store and the Drug store to buy the mass amount of the decor involved in this project. The black and white charms themselves (Hello Kitty Mermaid knockoff, rose, mirror, comb, teddy bear, and cameo) were around $5 each or 3 for $10. Those were the major expense. I also used super glue.

This is definitely very easy to do yourself. you don't have to go as crazy as I did. Even just a few small charms can really make your phone, mp3 or whatever look elegant on its own.


Stock Photo by gothicmamas

Tips:

• Scrapbooking items with a sticky backing to them: If you do end up grabbing something with a sticky back to it you can usually peel it off. If not and you want to use it as is, you may find the charms falling off your phone a lot.
• If you want something removable without harming the phone, clear 3M double sided tape works excellently.
• I use LocTite Super Glue in Gel form for everything. It's not as watery as regular super glue and seems to stick a lot faster. Less waiting time.
• Cheap dollar store Tweezers really help to place things in just the right spot.
• If you want to opt out of spending the high amount of cash I did on the main charms, definitely you can do one of these two things:

• Simple Green or Mean Green brand cleaner pretty much dissolves many types of plastic glue. One thing I love to do is head out to a thrift store or any place that has a huge bin of crazy jewelry and I grab a bunch of cabochon style items. Especially the ones on earrings and soak the part I want to un-glue in this stuff for a few hours. Don't leave it too long. You can then peel off the metal backing of the cabochon with a spatula or using a spoon with some effort. you may need to scrub it a bit. Try to avoid getting too much on the cabochon itself.
  
   
  
  Beware! My husband and I use this stuff to strip paint off  pre-painted miniatures! If there is paint on your cabochon please take care. It may come off!
  
  
• Polymer clay decorations! You can always make your own cabochons if you are great with sculpting or know a little bit about doing push molds. Polymer clay costs very little and in many colours. All you need afterward is something to paint over it to make it glossy or just to reinforce it from breaking easily. Podge is great or you can use clear nail polish, but I tend to find that clear nail polish gets goopy on super hot days.